Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.