Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

fly smarter, not harder

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.