Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Classic German Shepherd 😂

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.