Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

My dad.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.