Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)