I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
You Might Also Like
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*