Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

What a website

*puts words between two asterisks*

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!