Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”