I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
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Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Sign at work today
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face