Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Breaking news:

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.