Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

I like long walks away from everyone

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

I’m having an out of money experience.

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.