Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

“I asked Santa for a real duck.”

— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed