I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
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Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.