I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
CRYING
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.