“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
shazam but for random noises outside
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.