“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
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I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.