“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
You Might Also Like
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.