“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
You Might Also Like
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot