“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
#growingpains
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.