“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Boom, boom, ching!
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
one of
