Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

Very good! 👍😂

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

For those that worship cheese..

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.