I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
just having fun
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
That’s not how days work.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
