You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
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I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The fall of Netflix
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.