I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?