I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
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Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.