I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
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What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.