I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
You Might Also Like
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.