Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

if a cop pulls u over play dead

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

S M O L

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.