I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
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What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.