I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

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Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.


Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame


I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.


Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.


I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.


Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.


If you have to sneeze in a crowded grocery store, you might as well go full somnambulant and pretend like you’re turning into a zombie.


Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.