Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed