Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

I hope Alan is OK

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

Worth a try

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training