Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.