Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

😂🖐️

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

How funny!

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

ㅤ

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-