i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
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*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
my first dose meeting my second
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I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Always leave them wanting their money back.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*