i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
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Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
58.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic