Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter