I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.