I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
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Some people were born into their job.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
A dad and his duck
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo