Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

Don’t talk down to me

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

My neck, my back, my…

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.