I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
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Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE