I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
You Might Also Like
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*orders delivery*
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.