Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

i actually laughed 😩

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere