Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

What if all the cashiers are married?

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.