I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
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(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band