I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
You Might Also Like
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.