Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.