I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
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I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Oh my god
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂