I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
🐿️
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Succinctly put.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat