I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
? 💀
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.