I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related