I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
guys i’ve cracked the code
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.