I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
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We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No flush
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.