Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”