I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.