I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

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me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit


I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.


Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango


Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs.

Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday


If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.


COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs


High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.