I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
You Might Also Like
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”