I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I have two kinds of followers
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
welp
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
