I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Why is this me 😫
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A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.