I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
wow he looks just like him
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Tuesday
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really