I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
If my kids invented a drink.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
☠️ ☠️
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.