I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
bury ourselves
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Finally, a door that understands me
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is