I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand