Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?