Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it