I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
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Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*