I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
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*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”