I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
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November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Grandpa
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.