I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
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Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.