Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.