I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
🏙👨🏼
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake