Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

mentally somewhere in italy

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

This is my brand.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.