i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Holy moly
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
accurate
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”