i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
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There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
All. The. Damn. Time.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”