Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.