Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

And that about sums it up.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Yup

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.