@opiaticus

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

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@eminmien

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

@GregHenchman

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

@MrSpoonicorn

don’t you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV

@Reverend_Scott

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

@StaceyShortcake

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

@BruceForce

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

@3sunzzz

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

@WheelTod

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

@NicestHippo

The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”