I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

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AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.


“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens


don’t you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV


God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.


My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.


Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount


My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.


You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous


The inventor of the toilet must’ve had a rough time at his presentation. “Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea”