Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care